Cat Killer Highway

Posted on January 2, 2012 by happyjoe

cat

"I'LL WAIT TILL A CAR COMES AND THEN RUN ACROSS!"


It’s 2012, so I guess I should write a blog post.

I’ve reached the conclusion I’m not much of a blogger. If I have something to say, I tend to put that effort into other mediums. Why would anyone care what I think about any of this “blog stuff?” Face it, you don’t care, and that’s why you’re not reading this.

Okay, you are reading this. But I can’t guarantee it will be any good.

I live on a busy street. It’s not quite an interstate highway, but it’s definitely busy enough to kill the average house cat. In fact, I’ve rarely seen a live cat around here. The road is like a killer moat that erases all forms of feline life. Quite a few cats met their demise in 2011, and I suspect the new year will be the same for them. And it will be the same for you, too.

People like to believe the new year gives them some kind of “clean slate.” Well, it doesn’t. That yearly dividing line is arbitrary, and if you were dumb and stupid on December 31st, you will be exactly the same way on January 1st. The “new you” will last about 10 days or maybe ten minutes, and if you spent the last year jumping out in front of racing automobiles there are probably more screeching tires of death in your future. So what’s the solution?

Embrace who you are and stop kidding yourself. Or maybe just try to do better on a daily basis. And run fast.

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CEMENT

Posted on November 4, 2011 by happyjoe


I’ve been mixing a lot of cement lately. When you live in an old house, it sometimes needs a few patches here and there.

In a world filled with wireless networks and “cloud data storage,” there’s something wonderful about the simplicity of cement. Just add water and it works. You don’t need an advanced internet connection, and it won’t suddenly stop functioning when the Wi-Fi service isn’t around.

There’s a certain brutal honesty to be found in hard concrete. It’s simple, it’s strong, and it lasts. Plus, there’s this new kind with an advanced polymer composition that makes it resistant to cracks. Call it cement 2.0.

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Hurricane Irene

Posted on August 28, 2011 by happyjoe

shop rite

THIS WAS THE BREAD AISLE AT SHOPRITE IN EAST BRUNSWICK NJ


Everybody’s talking about hurricane Irene. Someone I know went to the supermarket and saw people fighting in the bread aisle. They were crushing each other’s windpipes in an attempt to get that last sweet loaf. Apparently, everyone is worried they’ll starve to death during the one day that stores in New Jersey might be closed.

I noticed a bunch of people talking about getting candles, but why would I buy candles when I can just use a flashlight? A battery will last longer than a candle, you dopes. Maybe I should pick up some stone knives and bearskins, too.

I was thinking about our food situation, and the first thing that occurred to me was that I should get some beer. I think there’s beer in the basement, but if the refrigerator goes out it will get warm. So I went on amazon.com and searched for a tiny, beer-sized backup generator that could keep a six pack cold. But they don’t make such a device, and that’s too bad. If the world ends I don’t want to be drunk on warm beer.

This is the first hurricane in the new house. The house is 100 years old, so it’s been around a while—and that’s either good or bad, depending on your perspective. The way I see it, a flooded basement might kill some of the bugs down there. There are these things called “cave crickets” that look like a cross between a spider and a cricket—they’re pretty evil. So maybe the water will drown the little beasts.

I haven’t blogged much lately because I’ve been busy working on the house. But check back soon. You can also just SUBSCRIBE BY EMAIL in the top right corner and the blog posts will be emailed to you. Thanks.

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Google +

Posted on July 13, 2011 by happyjoe
social media

HAVE WE GOT AN AD FOR YOU!

Google has started their own version of Facebook. They’ve done the computations over in the Googleplex building, and they’ve determined the average person still has a few minutes of life left to waste, so why not waste it with Google?

I guess the new site’s success will depend upon how many time-sucking ad delivery machines any one person wants to belong to. Right now, Facebook pretty much has that dubious category locked up. And while the Google site does have a few cool features (“friend circles” are a nice concept), I’m sure Facebook can always steal those and make everyone happy.

Meanwhile, LinkedIn has announced they’ve passed MySpace as the second largest social networking site on the internet. Congratulations, there are now two massive social networks on the net that no one gives a crap about—even if they do each claim over a hundred million members.

Yes, these sites love to brag about their swollen rosters of “active users,” but it seems like a deceptive term. “Active” more or less means someone signed up and is still not dead. And I’m sure some of the active users ARE dead, because who would know? Who’s going to delete your MySpace account after you die?

Here’s my Facebook page. Check it out and hit the LIKE button. Thanks.

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MOVING SOON

Posted on July 9, 2011 by happyjoe
moving day

NOT MY HOUSE - TOO NEAT

As I’m writing this blog post, I’m also exchanging email with Ben Walker. Ben lives in Canada, and he wants to know what I’m writing about. At the moment, I’m writing about you, Ben.

I just heard a strange sound—it sounded like a broken doorbell. What does a broken doorbell sound like? It sounds like silence.

I threw away a desk. Sometimes it feels good to throw things away. It’s a useful addiction that leads to an uncluttered house.

We’re moving soon, and does anyone remember what’s packed in which box? I should’ve written notes on the boxes with a magic marker. And I shouldn’t have packed the magic markers in the first box.

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House Hunters

Posted on July 4, 2011 by happyjoe

mansion

BUT DOES THE BATHROOM HAVE A DOUBLE SINK?


Jill and I were watching House Hunters the other night. This show was especially interesting to us since we recently bought a house. But the houses in that show are nothing like the ones we looked at.

House Hunters typically involves an attractive young couple looking to purchase a home. Apparently, only pretty people buy houses. And for some reason, these hot twenty-year-olds are always drowning in cash. I’m not sure where the average 25-year-old gets $500,000, but it happens a lot on this show.

They look at three houses, and they’re all gorgeous. But they reject one of them because the light in the bathroom shower stall isn’t bright enough. They reject the second one because they don’t like the color of the bedroom doorknob. In fact, the girl nearly has a heart attack when she sees that shade of mauve sticking out of a door. Then they buy the third house and live happily ever after with their kids or their puppies or whatever. I generally find myself hoping a gang of circus midgets moves in next door and parks a giant RV in the middle of their paradise.

Jill and I are excited to be moving into our new place. It’s a well maintained 100-year-old house with personality. Come on over sometime.

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Sleep Deprived

Posted on June 28, 2011 by happyjoe

sleep

"I'M HAVING A DREAM ABOUT BEING ASLEEP"


Do you ever have trouble sleeping? Lots of studies say Americans don’t get enough sleep.

Back when I was in school, I got plenty of sleep. Especially in chemistry class. Yeah, I took chemistry and the teacher often noticed I was struggling to stay awake. My face hit the desk so hard one time I almost broke my nose. So don’t ask me how many protons are in a pizza—just don’t put too much cheese on it. If you can’t taste the tomato, you don’t have a good pizza. Any Einstein can tell you that.

I used to sleep a lot in church, too. My mom would drag us there, and I was a total zombie. Sit down, stand up, sit down, kneel, shake the hand of the sleepy guy sitting next to you. And you just know he’s got some kind of disease.

My sister called me once on a Saturday afternoon and I happened to mention I was about to go to sleep. She was amazed by this. Why are you going to sleep now? Well, I stayed up late and got up early and now I’m tired. So that’s why.

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Explosion Of Justice

Posted on June 24, 2011 by happyjoe
jersey city

IT REALLY DOESN'T LOOK THIS GOOD UP CLOSE

I sent an email to Dennis K, who lives in the bombed out recesses of Jersey City. Wait, that’s not true, Dennis lives in a nicer part of Jersey City, although it’s still not anything you’ll find on a postcard.

Then again, Jersey City would make a more interesting postcard than a picture of a seashell or some other boring bit of crap that often finds itself immortalized as a piece of mail.

I asked Dennis if he’d been arrested, since musicians and anarchists often find themselves in such situations. He has not yet replied, leading me to believe they got him. Who got him? They did. They are everywhere, and they suck.

I was watching Clint Eastwood’s movie Joe Kidd last night, but then Jill and her friend wanted to watch Dexter so I said fine, I know in the end Joe Kidd will kill the bad guy and why am I watching this if I know how it will end?

I guess I wanted to see the bad guy get killed. I guess that’s what we all want.

Did you really think Luke wasn’t going to blow up the Death Star? But of course you stayed to watch. Everyone likes a good explosion of justice.

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Father’s Day

Posted on June 17, 2011 by happyjoe

Dad

Jill, Dad, Joe


This Sunday I’m going to my dad’s house, where my mom will be cooking macaroni. We always eat macaroni on Father’s Day, because that’s what Dad likes. We used to eat lasagna, but my mom has limited that particular entree because it tends to give Dad heart attacks.

My dad loves to eat. He’s been trying to lose the same 15 pounds for thirty years.
He thinks anything he eats while he’s standing up doesn’t count. He sneaks meatballs out of the simmering pot when Mom isn’t looking, even though he knows she counts them and he’ll get busted.

My dad has amazing “food recall.” Once upon a time he was in the army, and he was stationed in Korea. If you ask him about his days overseas, the first thing he’ll talk about is the way the cook made scrambled eggs. His eyes will glaze over and he’ll say, “Nice and moist, just the way I liked them.”

Most people would remember the frigid cold, or the teeming streets of Seoul, or maybe a few Korean people. But my dad remembers breakfast.

His tastes are not exactly highbrow. I remember my brother’s wedding, where they served a wide variety of exotic food—or let’s just say, “stuff Dad would never eat.” My dad looked down at his plate full of couscous and lemon grass and salmon with lentils du pay, and he said, “You know, I’d trade all of this for a pizza.”

My dad likes to cook. The only problem is that he’s trying to be healthy nowadays (it’s that heart attack problem again), and I’m a bit skeptical about his choices. I don’t believe turkey kielbasa is healthy just because it has turkey in it. He probably doesn’t believe it, either, but he’d rather keep fooling himself than eat a bunch of carrots.

Happy Father’ s Day, Dad. I hope you have many more.

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Vegetable Garden

Posted on June 11, 2011 by happyjoe

tomatoes

BELIEVE IT OR NOT THESE GROW IN NEW JERSEY


More Americans are growing their own food.

I come from a long line of “backyard farmers,” and I’ve seen the whole garden obsession up close. My dad used to walk into the kitchen every summer and dump 1000 pounds of zucchini onto the table and expect my mom to do something with it. So she would fry about a pound of it and give the rest away.

Then they would argue. My dad would say, “Dice it up and cook it with eggs.” This was his response to every cooking dilemma. Apparently, there was nothing that didn’t taste great when mixed with an unborn chicken. Some people say eggs are bad for your heart, and my dad has had several heart attacks. So now he tells Mom to “Dice it up and cook it with Egg Beaters.”

My dad looked at gardening as a way to relax, but it never seemed to work out that way. He was always screaming about the squirrel that snagged one of his pears, or the Japanese beetles that devoured his grapes, or the time a neighbor’s chicken destroyed his prized tomato.

Yeah, it was a chicken. We lived in New Jersey, about 15 miles from New York City, and there weren’t a lot of chickens. But the one pet chicken in the whole state found the one tomato Dad was eagerly watching, and it was not a relaxing moment. I think it put him right into the emergency room.

My Dad is probably out in the garden right now. Maybe I’ll go over there and get some garlic. Homegrown garlic is so much better than the stuff in the supermarket.

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