“IF YOU COULD SEE ME YOU’D BE SCARED.”
I interviewed a nameless member of the spirit world. My questions are in black. His responses are in a ghostly shade of gray.
“Hello, ghost. Would you like to tell me what you’re up to? Any upcoming TV appearances?”
“Ha! Are you kidding me? Maybe if I was a vampire. Maybe if I was ‘undead.’ But someone who’s totally dead? No one gives a crap.”
“Why do you think that’s the case? Have people lost interest in ghosts?”
“Well, we had our day. I mean, Hamlet didn’t talk to a fucking vampire, you know? But I think ghosts aren’t quite tangible enough for modern audiences. They like to see flesh that’s a little less translucent – hot, young people who are fully opaque.”
“Can’t you just appear in a more solid form?”
“I suppose, but we don’t have the cool vibe of the vampires, you know? A vampire rises every night from the dead and sucks a mortal’s blood – that’s a dark, evil image filled with sexual overtones. But what are ghosts known for? Wandering around dusty old houses rattling a bunch of dumb-ass chains. Is that sexy? Or even scary? Stupid marketing on our part.”
“Maybe you could revamp your image.”
“It would be tough at this point. Plus now we have to compete with werewolves and maybe even zombies – what an insult.”
“I think you can go head-to-head with zombies. There’s nothing really sexy about a zombie.”
“Yeah, that’s true. The ‘zombie thing’ will never catch on. I mean who wants to have sex with a rotting corpse?”