In the year 2000, they were still making movies where a huge creature floats through the air, looking not very aerodynamic, hanging from a piece of fishing line like a hairy bug on the end of a rope (I’m looking at YOU, Megaguirus). Then the other monster appears for the big fight scene, and that one looks like a guy in a cheap rubber suit (that would be YOU, Godzilla).
None of these monsters ever has a girlfriend, and maybe that’s why they’re so angry. They pop out of the sea with no real goals. They don’t want to eat, and they don’t want to make baby monsters – no, they just want to stomp on Tokyo and send Japanese people screaming in every direction.
The Japanese people never seem to go anywhere. They just run around in circles and wait to get stomped on. It’s all very dramatic, and it’s all very translated, so their screams never quite match the way their lips are moving while they’re running around and getting crushed.
I hear that Hollywood is going to once again remake Godzilla. Wait—I just looked it up on Google, and they already made that movie. Apparently, it was in theaters a few months ago so I guess I missed it. It looks like they put a big new twist into the plot – the monster comes out of the sea and stomps on San Francisco.
When I was a kid, I had a plastic model of Godzilla. There were two versions: the one with the glow-in-the-dark fins and the one with regular fins. I think I had the regular one and my brother built the other one, and then my mom destroyed them both while she was vacuuming. My mom liked to vacuum, and she did it 24/7, and in many ways she was more destructive than any snarling creature from the sea. There was no speck of dust too small for her to hunt down and obliterate, along with whatever was in her way.
To this day, my brain freaks out whenever I hear a vacuum cleaner. This probably explains why my house has no carpeting.