Pets

Why do people have pets? Pets stink, and they require lots of work, and they still stink and drool and leave hair and footprints and gross secretions scattered around the house – and then you need to find somewhere to stash them when you go on vacation.

Then again, pets offer unconditional love. This means they’ll like you even if your personality sucks and you’re totally unworthy of affection from a human. And pets tend to lack a lot of the many negative qualities humans have. They help you feel less lonely, especially when the loser humans who DO want to give you affection are not
worthy of your own. Is this making sense?

Jill was telling me you can train a cat to use the toilet. There’s no way I’m waiting to get in the bathroom because a cat is in there.

“I’m sorry I was late, Mr. Boss – but I had to wait for my cat to get done.”

That’s a pretty unlikely scenario. That cat is going to learn to live outside.