Saturday Night Rocks

One Saturday night Jill and I were channel surfing when I clicked on something called “Saturday Night Rocks.” I guessed it was going to be a music show featuring big amps and loud guitars – but I was wrong. Instead, I’d accidentally stumbled upon one of the funniest shows on television. It’s a show that sells jewelry.

The show is broadcast live from Knoxville, TN, on the JTV network, where host Dawn Tesh explains how viewers desperately need to purchase a variety of cheesy-looking baubles she calls “gemstones.” These rare items are often available for under $20 each. They will have names that sound like characters in a science fiction movie, like “Zandrite,” and “Tanzanite,” and JTV will ship them directly to your trailer. You can put them in a bowl right next to your cheese curls!

But you better hurry. They are always “backed up in the call center,” and the phone lines are always “jammed,” and the vast number of people ordering online are about to crash the internet. And there are only a few left! Oh damn – this one is SOLD OUT!

Dawn is a riot. I love the way she screws up her face as she announces the price of some stupid trinket and says, “Are you kidding me?” I love when she stashes one of the stones off to the side and says, “I think I’ll just keep that one for myself.” And then she brings out the “parcel.” The parcel is a plethora of shiny rocks that looks like a pile of jellybeans. There will be about 200 stones in the pile, and of course they’re all rare and amazing, and you can buy the whole damn bunch for about $199. And that includes a microscope so you can stare at the subatomic structure of your rocks, as well as a storage case that will allow you to transport your collection safely to Fort Knox. Dawn will sift through the pile with her perfectly manicured carrot-shaped fingers and say, “I’m seeing rubies, I’m seeing emeralds – I’m seeing manufactured sapphires!”

Last year they were advertising some sort of deal where people could pay about $99 with no interest for six months. Well, that’s great! It’s pretty nice of them to give their clientele six months to come up with that big C-note – because shiny rocks are a real necessity, right behind Kraft Macaroni And Cheese.

You can check out the bargains at Jewelry Television here:
http://www.jtv.com

Dawn Tesh has a Facebook page here:
http://www.facebook.com/dawn.teshjtvhost